MATCH WEEK 5 - TRANSFERS GOOD + BAD
Interestingly we had a player sold by one Nightmare Team and snapped up by another in the same Division for the first time this week. Early signs are that the sellers - Forfun - got it right. That man was Ezri Konsa. Forfun's replacement Max Aarons score 11 points, Konsa -3. Knackers were the team that bought the Villa man and they will be hoping for an upturn in fortunes for Konsa after his poor start.

In terms of points gained this week, England Neverbes did the best business, gaining 15 points. But it could have been better for Neverbes, with Wilfried Zaha (sold) scoring 8 points. The three incoming Nightmares, though, picked up 23. Similarly Forfun gained 9 points, but selling Nick Pope (5 points) for Bernd Leno (didn't play) did not work out. Blackheart Brewery gained 9 points and Cloughie's Cloggers gained 8.

Al's Army may have been the top scorers again this week, but their changes did not start well. Alex sold Bukayo Saka and James Maddison who went on to pick up 15 points, while their replacements scored 2. Other transfers that went wrong include Swiffer selling Jannik Vestergaard (13 points), Has anyone won 6? selling Jose Sa (13) and, worst of all, The Halibut Flounderers replacing Fernando Marcal with Tino Livramento. The Wolves man was then second best for the week with 15 points while his replacement scored -1.
CAPTAIN CHOICES
Clean sheets for Southampton and Brentford were painful for a selection of Nightmare Managers who looked at the Saints and Bees for their Captain picks. Worst hit were those who opted for Brentford boys - Blackheart Brewery FC with David Raya (-3 doubling up to -6) while sub keeper Nick Pope would have scored 5, while 21 Zombies captained Kristoffer Ajer (-3). Three teams had either Livramento or Salisu of Southampton as Captain, both scored -1.

Another Team to be hit by the clean sheet were The only way is down who handed the armband to Tyrone Mings (-3). Mings' remarkably consistently-inconsistent form continues:

- MW1 = 16 points
- MW2 = -3
- MW3 = didn't play
- MW4 = 16
- MW5 = -3

So he should have a rest this weekend, then be back with 16 points again!

As for Managers who picked the correct Captain - well done to the following who all picked the best possible Captain with players in double figures: Al's Army (Ashley Barnes 13), Cudnt Hit A Cows Bum With A Banjo (Jose Sa 13), Has anyone won 6? (Jordan Ayew 12), Z's Eleven (Raul Jimenez 10), Hextable Hackers (Chris Wood 10).
MISSED OPPORTUNITIES
Some poor Starting 11 selections on Match Week 5 included:

Mr Magoo would have done well to field their big names, leaving out Jack Grealish (8) and Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang (7), while four of the Starting 11 scored negative.

Gareth Bagel should have played Timo Werner (5) and Michael Keane (9). Bagel have had Keane in their line-up three times this season for a grand total of zero points... in the two games he's remained on the bench Keane has scored 14!

Relegation Terrorists missed out on 17 points (Milot Rashica 8, Craig Cathcart 9), Hextable Hackers 12 (Caglar Soyuncu 9, John McGinn 3).

And finally... England Neverbes stuck Alex McCarthy in goal ahead of Jose Sa. Oops, McCarthy -3, Sa would have earned 13...
MATCH WEEK 5 - ARMY MARCHES ON
Army's Army stay top of the overall table this week - and how! Top scorers for the Match Week for the third time in five, Army may have just pipped Grecians -2000 for the weekly trophy by a single point, but they increase their lead at the top from 25 points to a massive 77. Nearest rivals Nightmare Novices had an absolute... well, Nightmare. Second worst in the entire competition with 23 points, Colette Anthony's boys slip to 5th. Two clean sheets at the back including a Captain scoring minus points, plus both selected forwards getting goals, were the foundation for Novices' disastrous week. Oh, and they had no Goalkeeper.

Army's success, meanwhile, is through remarkable consistency. It's not as if they managed to snap up the entire Norwich defence. And while most others were looking to Crystal Palace or Southampton defenders to hand the armband, Alex Metzger made a perfect Captain pick - his top scorer Ashley Barnes doubling up from 13 to 26. In addition, Alex's policy of picking two 'keepers from the same team paid off - with Jordan Pickford missing, in came Asmir Begovic with 9 points.

Remarkably, Army managed to top score despite two clean sheets in defence (Axel Tuanzebe and Rico Henry scored -1 each) and also leaving 8-point Adama Traore on the bench.
HAIR COME THE GRECIANS
Grecians -2000. What a team. Thought I'd best get this narrative in before their fortunes seriously decline, though I hope I'm wrong. These are the guys that spent £33 million on one player, making Harry Maguire the most expensive signing in 25 years of Nightmare Soccer history. With Harry's minimum bid being £3.3m, I still don't know if this was an accident, but surely manager Bob Thomas would have wondered why he was struggling to find enough money to fill the rest of his 16-man squad?!?

To be honest, it made for - no other word for it - a cr@p-looking squad. Bob's a former Nightmare Soccer World Cup winner that we have missed for many years, returning this season, and seriously I feared for his embarrassment. And so the quality of the squad was proved on Match Week 1 when Bob's boys could only field seven players - including no goalkeeper - and mustered 23 points. 31st of 32.

Since then, Grecians have lost four players who have gone from the Premier League. Bob left the transfers to randomise - good to get rid of the dead wood, but - with the players being sold all being cheapies - the random-transfer-generator didn't have a lot to play with. In came Harry Kane (oh oh dear), Ilkay Gundogan (oh dear), Matt Targett (hmm... maybe) and Oliver Skipp (that sounds alright).

Fast forward to this week - Grecians are second best with a massive 80 points. How?!?! Well, you'd probably think Bob's a manager that has entered his Nightmare Squad and then forgotten about it, but no - this week Bob played both his Captain Joker and Subs Joker.

Ben Foster played for Watford for the first time this season, Luke Shaw conceded a penalty, 'star' strikers Aubameyang (7) and Kane (10) scored big Nightmare points. And then, the Captain Joker came good. On came Mark Noble for West Ham to take - and miss - the penalty against Man United. Zero points expected, 11 gained, doubled up to 22 for Grecians. All of a sudden Bob's boys are up another six places to 21st...

That all said - Bob, you've got Maguire, Shaw, Gundogan, Kane, Aubameyang in your squad. Plus a host of players who aren't going to get many minutes (including Noble). Time to use your Transfers Joker, cash in on Maguire and bump on the (lack of) quality in your Nightmare Squad...

Oh and by the way, using a Subs Joker when you haven't got most of your players starting is not too wise - it did gain Grecians 1 point.